I’ve finally found the mental and emotional energy to move my journaling into a new space.
It is ridiculous how much time I’ve spent trying to determine the layout I wanted for this journal and because I knew I would be this idiotic about formatting, I have been wildly avoidant of doing anything about this journal at all. So here I am, taking a semi-lazy Saturday, to finally get this space going. I’ve downloaded and played around with a minimum of 20 themes – insane – and finally settled on this simple one for now. I don’t really understand why I can’t journal freely if I don’t like the way the page looks – no one else cares. And during the time I’ve spent trying to get this journal organized into something easy to work with I’ve also been worrying about whether or not I’m using my time well enough? There are so many things for me to do. I could be reorganizing my home gym. I could be cleaning my house. I could be mowing my lawn. I could be volunteering. I could be working a second job. I could be doing so many things today which could bring me closer to becoming a better version of myself. Instead, I’m spending my time listening to a coffeeshop playlist on Spotify and worrying about how my little online emotional outlet looks aesthetically.
Part of what I’m trying to heal within myself is this uncomfortable idea that I’m never “enough” – not good enough as a friend, as a colleague, as a partner, as a woman – just not enough as a person in general. And this is such a bizarre attitude to have; for example, last night, I spent ninety minutes on the phone with one of my engineers at 11pm troubleshooting an issue on one of our websites on top of a thirteen hour workday – that is so much more than enough it’s laughable. And yet this subconscious mantra has been living with me for nearly two years. Despite all of this, when I take the time to look at myself mindfully, I do actually understand that those beliefs are profoundly untrue. One of my many goals with this journal is to use it as a way to to give myself more grace by utilizing it as a tool to better understand and express myself. Sharing it publicly makes me deeply uncomfortable but I’ve been encouraged to embrace vulnerability rather than run away from it. But all of this being said, this has been a quiet Saturday so there isn’t much to share. Will write more tomorrow now that I have absolutely no excuse not to. 🌸