I should be in Maui right now – sitting on a beach with some couch surfing friends, drinking a mocktail (because I’m taking a major break from the real stuff), and doing actual surfing with all of the sea turtles around the island. Instead, I’m laying on my couch in the morning sunshine of my living room coughing with my entire body into a box of tissues and watching TV. And while I’m very bummed to not be in Maui, I can also say that I don’t mind this. Despite the toll that coughing is taking on my body, everything my body has been trying to purge (by way of coughing, nose running or…other areas) has been leaving my body and energy feeling indescribably lighter – happier, even.
It also helps that being this sick means I do not have to work (too much) although even that’s coming to an end within a month (or less). On Tuesday when I was told officially that I was being let go from the project because (most likely) that the client’s global eComm director dislikes working with people of my gender, I think I temporarily lost my mind. For 30 minutes I had worked my body up into such a state of fury and panic that within the next 30 minutes I was immediately sick. The rest of the day was awful and not something I’m comfortable describing in such a public space (yet). Wednesday I was emotionally hungover for the majority of the morning and afternoon. But for some reason, later in the day my energy and attitude slowly started picking back up even though my sickness was picking up as well. Thursday I woke up sicker than ever and I had to confront the reality that Maui wouldn’t be the outlet I needed for these next two weeks. But I now have a flight credit to be used on a later date and that’s something to look forward to; I’ll be able to enjoy it much more when I’m in a better state of mind, anyway.
Being back in a state of instability and uncertainty, for now, doesn’t seem scary. I feel like I’m being forced out of tech, to rethink my direction and to prioritize finding something to do that I consider to be meaningful, something that I can call my life’s work. Tech worked out for me ten out of twelve years and this rejection is just a form of redirection. I have scaled down my life in so many ways that I don’t need to chase a specific kind of income per se (but let me be clear – I still live in Washington and am renting an expensive home) so I can be a little more creative with exploring what will be inevitably (hopefully) more fulfilling for me. I will miss my engineering team – we had a very good rapport and I knew they were very happy with how I played my role on the team. I’ll even miss some people from the brands but I will not miss the complete lack of work/life balance. There was no room in my day for exercise, no room for dating, no room for getting to know who I am and what I want my next steps in personal growth to be. There was no room for me to exist in my own life. While I look for another job, or another career, I can spend my time outdoors – I can volunteer, I can exercise. I be more mindful of what I want a day in my life to look like.
I’m optimistic about what’s ahead of me but I’m still very uncertain about how I start trying to define what I want to find and be for myself. I love marine conservancy and being on/around the sea, national parks, non-profits but I have no experience in any of those areas. There are so many things I love doing, so many interests I have, and so how can I possibly start trying to figure out what to do with it all? I have the luxury of choice which is a real privilege. Maybe to get started I’ll just work at Home Depot and volunteer at the Center for Wooden Boats (the latter which I actually start doing in two weeks) since I can bike to both. The Center for Wooden Boats affords me several amazing opportunities: getting to be outdoors, getting to be around people, getting to be out and around the water, getting to learn more about woodworking. For every four hours you volunteer you get an hour out on Lake Washington either kayaking, paddle boarding or canoeing.
🌸 Interrupting the above train of thought to log the below text right now because I got a notification from an app I have on my phone which gives me daily updates on what I can expect the energy of the day to bring me. Today’s is wildly accurate – almost exactly what I’ve written so far and/or was planning to write. Incredible. 🌸
Pattern (app)
During this time, you may feel confused about who you are, this cycle typically occurs around age 40-41. All of a sudden, multiple choices and opportunities could pop up – or you might just feel a longing to go beyond ordinary, routine life. Don’t expect to find clarity around which path to take. It’s not a time to make major life choices but to open yourself up to possibilities and new ways of thinking.
This once-in-a-lifetime period generally occurs around age 40-41. This cycle is opening you up and dissolving your usual defenses, making you less certain of the person you are and how you define yourself. This can be incredibly inspiring or it can be very confusing, but your heart is meant to soften and your sensitivity to heighten.
You may feel like you’re in a dream state or that the world doesn’t have a solid basis and your reality is dissolving. All of a sudden, there are many different paths to take – it can feel like you’re in a time outside of time.
During this time frame it’s okay to be confused about who you are. It’s not the moment to solidify your direction – instead be open to all the possibilities.
You’re intended to embrace your idealism right now and let your boundaries break down. You might have the urge to connect in ways you would normally be closed off to or have an experience that’s mystical and beyond your ordinary senses. There’s likely a hunger to feel something more.
If your life feels truly meaningful and in service to something greater, you’ll find your efforts are supported and new opportunities are opening up.
If you’ve become lost in a life that is superficial and that isn’t right for you – that will be made clear If you’re feeling stuck or unhappy then you might feel disillusioned and uncommitted to the path you’re on.
You’re undergoing a transformation – this energy is initiating real changes, altering the direction your life will take. You’re being opened up to other ways of defining yourself in the world – aligning you with your intended life purpose.
Because this pattern obscures how you understand yourself, it can feel confusing. But out of this uncertainty, you’re more open to rethink your priorities and imagine new possibilities for your future.
This influence is leading you to think about a life that allows you to tap into your higher ideals and spiritual values. There’s something intoxicating about this dynamic: it’s steering you away from taking the conventional path or pursuing materialistic goals.
Right now you’ll be pushed to shed old habits, creating space for something new. If you feel limited in some way, this energy will help you see beyond your blocks. It may be difficult to do the practical things, focus on work, or get through the day to day – things you normally care about may seem irrelevant now.
Don’t force things to happen. Any attempts to control what you’re feeling will leave you spinning your wheels. You could spend 100 hours or 10 hours trying to see things more clearly and get the same results. It’s beyond your ability to solve right now. Instead of resisting, learn to embrace the momentary lack of control in your life.
In the long run, this time will give you a new perspective and make you less focused on traditional ideas of success, the material world, or always trying to achieve.
This experience is giving you a renewed vision for your life and the person you’re becoming.
Typing the above text out wrecked my physical energy so I’ll come back to this entry later to finish up my thoughts on it.
🌺