Depression is an isolating spiral of confused loneliness. It eclipses the sunshine and holds only darkness. I haven’t wanted to reflect on my life or emotions in quite some time and even now I only find myself doing so because I have nothing better to do while I wait to host a meeting – one of many in which no one will pay any meaningful attention to the mundanity of information I’ll be walking through.
I’m not sure I have much more time here – “here” being quite widely open to interpretation. At work. In Seattle. On Earth. My life, at least as I currently know it, feels like it’s winding down. My spirit’s essence has long since been discarded onto a lonely highway riddled with disappointment, exhaustion and hopelessness – entrapment. Despite all that, there’s still joy. And yet, it’s quite a strange sensation to be able to observe joy – to know that it’s there with you – but not be able to see it. You know it’s supposed to be your own but your senses have been disabled.
My efforts and energy have both been completely diffused; snuffed out by the awakening of how futile it is to put forth effort into something or give energy to someone when, in reality, we are all just ourselves amongst and for only ourselves. I know how to be alone. I know how to embrace loneliness; how to sit with and be friends with it. That has been my entire life. For forty years, I’ve become well acquainted with aloneness and loneliness. And even though it’s a safe companion – you don’t get hurt when it’s only you with whom you’re spending your time – it’s not always a welcome one. I don’t want to live on this emotionally isolated island for however much longer my body is willing to sustain existence. I don’t want to romanticize either partnership or isolation; both are components of this human experience which need to be embraced and understood. But to dive too much into the pool of one or the other? You lose yourself, either way. So, if the only outcome is to lose yourself while you’re here, what’s the point of being here to begin with?
Regardless, I won’t be sitting within this experience for much longer and there’s at least some peace of mind which comes with that understanding.