It’s been a long time since I posted – literally and emotionally. The upheaval I’ve had from this week with work and close connections has been a lot to sift through and now I have some personal time to sit with everything. I need to take some significant time away from the day to day so that I can be truly alone and outside of my everyday chaos. I really want to understand how I want to be moving forward in life but right now I feel as though I’m distracting myself from myself.
I’m not unhappy or depressed but there’s something about the way my life is currently structured that isn’t working. I’m not able to get the fitness I want and need and I’m not able to have private moments of mindfulness that I also need. These small pockets of journaling are all I get and they only come when I’ve literally had to make space in the day for them (and which usually comes at the expense of something or someone else). All of the personal goals I have seem unachievable because there’s either not enough time for me to identify them and/or energy to put a plan together to pursue them. Life is just happening to me but shouldn’t I have more lines in my life’s own play?
This morning I noticed that someone to whom I had previously been very close had left a group chat for the language group I put together here in Seattle back in 2022. It was really jarring to see that he left and that has created a significant sadness in me which I will need to process. The act itself isn’t a big deal – group chats are noisy distractions. But it its symbolism is unfortunate. Shouldn’t spring have washed away anything that wasn’t going to be renewed when it came? I don’t lose friendships well; they are my chosen family, so to speak, and this loss has been a particularly tragic one for me. Over the last few months I’ve given myself grace and space to move with it and I’ve been able to release the burden associated with the sadness. I’ve learned to find grief fascinating. There are layers and shades to each wave as we experience it. Everything being felt is complex and rich – but also painful. And it’s also very haunting – what we feel, as strong as it is, when we grieve, is really only an echo of something once vibrant. But these overwrought emotions can never compare to the love and joy we had with and for the person when they were still either alive or in our lives. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have made the memories that I did and letting go has been liberating. And throughout all of this I have also made some new friendships which are blossoming and are just as beautiful in their own rights. For as much sadness as the loss of one gives me, the growth of these other new ones does give me so much joy.
Despite today’s gloom, we’re slowly entering into the best part of the year in Seattle. The next six to seven months are going to be absolutely wonderful. I have so many plans already that it feels like my life is fully occupied until October. But somewhere in all of this, as I mentioned, I need to find a significant amount of time and space for quiet time. While I’m excited for what’s ahead, I still don’t feel that I’m cutting a path for myself and the future that I want. Obviously I’ll get there – just acknowledging the need to do this is a significant step forward. We’ll see what’s to come. 🌸